


Little Star

by almondcoffeecake



Series: Little Star [1]
Category: NCT (Band), NCT Dream
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, Christmas, Coffee Shops, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Holidays, M/M, Mild Language, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, References to Illness, Sharing a Bed, Slow Burn, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:09:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28176687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/almondcoffeecake/pseuds/almondcoffeecake
Summary: Falling snow, hot coffee, and warm hearts holding heavy secrets. It's winter on campus and Renjun is finding it increasingly difficult to grapple with the tender feelings he has been harbouring for his roommate and best friend, Na Jaemin.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin, JaemRen - Relationship, RenMin - Relationship
Series: Little Star [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2064177
Comments: 17
Kudos: 48





	1. (Part 1: Dreaming)

**Author's Note:**

> hi there! :) this was never intended to see the light of day, but I decided to bite the bullet and expand on my ideas for something more substantial to take my mind off things during these weird times. i was inspired by Standing Egg's "Little Star", hence the title! hope this brings you some comfort during the winter season; i'll try to update with new chapters as frequently as I can !! ❄️ have a lovely day :)
> 
> (comments + kudos are greatly appreciated !! <3)

It was a crisp winter’s night in mid-December, the snow outside falling upon the trees like soft cotton, when Renjun was unceremoniously jolted out of sleep by the sound of his name being whispered in the otherwise silent dorm-room. He felt a rush of cool air flood against his bare arms and neck as he lifted his comforter away from his body and looked for the source of the noise.

“…Renjun?” A thin voice ventured for the second time.

He blinked, squinting with effort as he desperately tried to focus his vision on the hazy figure that stood by his bed, illuminated by the orange streetlights outside the dorm room. He rallied his thoughts. _Okay, there’s no way it’s an intruder, we’re on the third floor and the door is locked. But why…?_ He rubbed his tired eyes with his hands and used his elbows to prop himself up on his bed.

“Jaemin?” Renjun muttered as he finally managed to form a coherent thought in his drowsy mind and identify his twenty-one year-old roommate, now practically standing over his body, and definitely _not_ on his side of the room.

“You do realize that it’s…” Renjun craned his neck to glance at the digital clock on his nightstand, “…three thirty-seven in the morning on a Thursday night, right? What the hell’s the matter?” He looked to the other boy, fixing his eyes on his barely-visible face to try and get a better read of his expression.

His breath caught in his throat as he took in the state of his friend.

The other boy stood, wide-eyed and sniffling with a pleading expression on his face, in the centre of the room—a small, cramped university dorm-room that barely fit two twin beds pushed against opposite walls and two wooden desks by the large curtained window. The whistling December wind brushed the bare branches of a maple tree against the frosted windowpane.

Renjun was startled, trading annoyance at the disturbance with worry; his chest suddenly flooding with fear.

“What—Jaemin, are you okay? Are you crying?”

Jaemin took a step closer to his bed, giving Renjun a better look at his face. His dark doe-eyes glossy and rimmed with red, obviously from heavy tears.

“Could I just,” the boy choked out, “stay here for a little while?” He raised his hand, gripping a crumpled tissue, and gestured weakly towards Renjun’s bed. “Please,” he breathed at last, shifting his gaze to the floor, realizing the absurdity of the request as he spoke it aloud.

Renjun could not disguise his confusion, but he considered for a moment. Na Jaemin, whatever opinion others held regarding his fondness for over-the-top displays of affection, his tendency to tease Renjun at the most inopportune moments—often done on purpose to earn a flustered blush from Renjun in front of their group of friends—or his ability to win over anyone with his natural charm, would _never_ pull a stunt like in the middle of the night just to give Renjun a scare; something must have happened to warrant this skittish state, the tears streaming down the pale face that was usually painted with a megawatt smile. To say that this was out of character for him would be the understatement of the century, which was why Renjun was alarmed.

Saying nothing, Renjun sighed and reluctantly lifted his comforter, motioning for Jaemin to crawl into his bed. Jaemin acquiesced at once, discarding the tissues in his hand on the nightstand and climbing under the warm covers. Still shaking from holding back sobs, he buried his face into the soft white t-shirt against Renjun’s chest, nestling against him for warmth. The other boy tensed at this, stunned into bewildered silence.

Renjun looked to the clock, wide awake with confusion at this strange turn of events. _What could have happened to him to cause him to bawl his eyes out at four in the morning?_ Time passed, excruciatingly slowly; two minutes, then six, then eleven. He felt the boy’s staggered breaths slowly ease as his swollen eyes closed and he finally drifted to sleep.

If this had been anyone else, Renjun would have cursed them out without a second thought and shut down this ridiculous request. If it had been anyone else, he would have never agreed to hold them in his arms, sick with anxiety, bursting with fear.

He let out a quiet huff against the mess of pink hair that was brushing against his cheek. _Tomorrow—tomorrow I’ll ask him for answers. Right now, I’ll let him rest. I’ll hold him for as long as he needs tonight._

As he worried for Jaemin, a slight tremor, although perhaps not conscious to him as such, began to form in his chest. A feeling he could not translate to words quite yet; an unidentifiable ache in his heart.

When he was certain that Jaemin was sound asleep, before he could come to his senses and think better of what he was about to do, Renjun lifted his chin and gingerly pressed his lips against the boy’s forehead before settling back against the pillow and shutting his eyes. He felt Jaemin’s chest rise and fall as he breathed in his sleep, and felt something stir within him once again.

“Goodnight, Jaemin,” he whispered, mostly to himself.

After a moment, he moved his lips to form another sentence against the boy’s hair, but this time it was inaudible. A secret between him and the snow-capped maple tree that grazed the windowpane.

\-- 

Renjun let out a small, languid groan as the sunlight streaming through the linen curtains cast a warm glow over his face, waking him up well before his eight o’clock alarm went off. As he yawned and gradually blinked the sleep away from his eyes, he noticed something important that brought back the uncomfortable, dreamlike events of the previous night; Jaemin was not in his bed anymore. He let his eyes sweep around the room, searching beyond the open door of his roommate’s closet, the washroom, and even the other bed; actually, Jaemin wasn’t anywhere to be found in the room at all.

Only then did Renjun notice the absence of one of the two sets of shoes by the door, as well as the missing white puffer parka that usually hung behind the washroom door. _Ah, that makes sense._

He glanced at the alarm on his nightstand. Six forty-two in the morning, well before Jaemin’s first Friday class, which was a photojournalism tutorial at noon. Renjun’s cheeks burned as he recalled the way Jaemin had clung to him, the way he’d shuddered against his chest with held-back sobs. _He’s probably left early to avoid having to confront me about what happened. Probably too humiliated to face me after last night._

Renjun forcefully brushed the thoughts aside and instead began to wash up and get dressed for the day, even though his only class was a seven o’clock night lecture for his Early Modern philosophy course. It was a chilly mid-December morning and it was reported to snow tonight, so he opted for a pair of loose-fit cuffed jeans and a thick mustard cable-knit sweater under his long black puffer coat.

The sound of muffled laughter and a faint, metallic tinkling sound from below caught his attention, and Renjun peered out the window to watch a group of bundled up students struggling to hang Christmas baubles on the snowy-covered trees shrouding the main pathway to the centre of campus. He smiled in spite of himself at the scene below, he just couldn’t help it; he loved the holiday season best of all. The twinkling lights that shone brightest on cold nights, the fleecy snow that seemed to fall as a sweater for the frozen ground, and the inherent joy that seemed to infect the students in spite of the torturous finals season. Renjun was a hopeless romantic, he knew this; he couldn’t help but turn any and every mundane detail into a piece of art, every person in his life into a poem.

Perhaps his intrinsic sentimentality was one of the reasons that he had started to fall for Jaemin, his oldest and best friend, despite trying his hardest to swat the feelings away and convince himself that it was nothing more than the unquestionable love that all childhood friends shared. He wished, for the sake of Jaemin, for the sake of their friendship, that it was merely the latter, but he knew the truth and tried his best to keep it shut away deep in his heart. It was the fear of losing the most precious person to him, the one whom he loved the most, that kept him feeling like he was constantly stepping on eggshells around Jaemin, and last night had nearly made him lose sight of his composure. _For goodness’ sake, keep it together._

He grabbed his small metal thermos from the bottom drawer of his desk and was about to plug in his electric kettle to prepare himself some instant coffee, when he remembered that his friend Lee Jeno had a shift at the nearby campus café today. _Might as well pop in for a real breakfast instead and say hello to take my mind off things,_ he reasoned, shutting the drawer and walking over to the closet.

Reaching for his canvas tote bag stuffed with the bare-necessities, his glasses, phone, and student ID lanyard, he pulled on his worn black oxfords and took one last glance at himself in the mirror before locking the door and heading out in the cold.


	2. (Part 2: Memories)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Renjun's heart is about to burst from nerves as he recounts the irreplaceable role that Jaemin has played in his life since childhood.

As Renjun walked the icy, twisted concrete path towards the café where Jeno worked, his thoughts unwittingly wandered to Jaemin once again. He hated how they’d left things, and it was burning a hole in his chest as he wondered if maybe he should have been the one to control the situation and refuse the request made of him. Obviously Jaemin wasn’t thinking clearly, he was visibly in a vulnerable state; maybe Renjun should have demanded to know what the matter was instead of jumping at the opportunity to essentially snuggle with him during a moment of weakness.

 _Damn it, where on earth did he go so early in the morning?_ Despite his best efforts to push the memory of the events of last night to a distant recess of his mind, another thought, decidedly more bitter and childish than the previous, drifted across his preoccupied mind. _We always have_ _breakfast together. Asshole._

The early morning sunlight lapped against his upturned face as he squinted to study the fine arts and photography buildings on campus that were just barely visible in the distance, beyond the tall pine trees bordering the path. The grand, towering buildings were impressive even to Renjun, who had seen them every day on his way to the social science and humanities buildings for the past three years that he had been a student at the university. They were awe-inspiring, built entirely of glass and lustrous metal designed to mimic broken shards, showcasing this year’s annual holiday photography exhibition housed within. Easels covered with large, colourful prints taken by photography majors who had participated in the event during late November littered the entire first floor. He couldn’t catch a glimpse from this distance, but he knew that Jaemin’s work was among them, outshining the rest. This was typical of Jaemin, the boy with the radiant smile, natural charisma, and peerless wit; everything he touched seemed to turn to gold.

If Renjun and Jaemin had not been attached at the hip for as long as they both could remember, growing up in the same neighbourhood in Jeonju where Renjun had moved when his father’s work required him to move his family out of the country, he might have been inclined to feel envious of Jaemin’s apparent inability to do wrong in any regard.

As it was, however, Renjun did not covet Jaemin’s height when he shot above him and the rest of the boys during elementary school. He did not envy Jaemin’s large, starry eyes and long eyelashes, his graceful nose, or his dazzling film-star smile that grew more defined in middle school. He even managed not to feel jealous when girls and boys alike began fawning over Jaemin in high school, flirting with him at every chance, and officially earning him his title as the teenage heartthrob of their town. At least, it was not _Jaemin_ whom he was jealous of during all these moments.

As the pair consistently achieved the highest grades in their respective classes during their final year of high school, it was a no-brainer that they would take their pick of universities once they graduated and would eventually live together as roommates, although majoring in vastly different fields; Jaemin seemed to have a natural gift for fine art photography, commanding the camera as if it was a paintbrush gliding across a canvas, while Renjun was taken with the study of history for as long as he could remember. He devoured biographies of Henry VIII and memorized documentaries on the Russian Revolution with Jaemin on weekend nights while most other students his age were out drinking.

Despite the stark difference in their temperaments—Renjun’s delicate, fawn-like countenance and bookish ways against Jaemin’s warm, personable charm—it seemed as though they completed each other in a way, each brought out the other's hidden strengths. Renjun was skilled at reining in Jaemin’s fiery temper when arguments with his parents or classmates got out of hand at times when not even Jaemin’s own sister could. Jaemin would sense when Renjun was in a slump and climb up to the Renjun’s bedroom window at three in the morning on school nights, just to ask him to sit on the roof and stargaze with him in silence. It was as if they were cut from the same cloth, formed from the same star; never to be separated.

At least that was Renjun had thought, until Lee Donghyuck had entered their lives. A hypnotic boy with tan skin, hair streaked with honey-coloured highlights, and a laugh that carried throughout an entire room, Donghyuck began inching closer and closer to Jaemin in their third year at university in Seoul.

Renjun’s shoe snagged on a crack in the path, snapping him back to the present.

He caught a whiff of a sweet, inviting aroma as he tore himself away from his daydreams and adjusted himself to his surroundings. The distinctive, spicy scent of cinnamon and nutmeg told him he had arrived at the café before his eyes could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for your encouraging words from the last chapter !! it means a lot :) 🌟


	3. (Part 3: Cold Coffee)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I almost forgot, I need to ask you something important,” Jaemin blurted out, as if suddenly regaining a sense of urgency. “Would you—come home with me? Over the weekend?”
> 
> “Home,” Renjun repeated blankly. “…to Jeonju?”

The café was bright and bustling with students despite the fact that it was barely seven o’clock on a Friday morning.

Hazy morning light filtered through the windows, and Renjun was able to shuffle past the clusters of science students prepping for their morning chemistry labs to find a free table at the back of the room, just before a jittery first-year was able to work up the courage to snag the chair for another table.

He took a quick glance around the tables in the room with the hopes of locating a certain missing roommate of his whom he hoped would be able to face him and explain himself in person. He was worried about him, and his listless state of mind was filling his thoughts with all sorts of horrible, outlandish explanations for Jaemin’s agitation last night.

 _He’s flunking his classes and just learned he’s being expelled?_ He instinctively smiled and shook his head at this, thinking it absurd that he even entertained the idea. _No, that’s impossible. This is Jaemin, after all, he’s at the top of all his classes._

He furrowed his brow as he abandoned all remaining control over his thoughts. _He somehow heard what I whispered last night and figured out that I’ve been hopelessly in love with him for over a decade._ The mere prospect made him shudder and let out a desperate groan.

_Oh, this isn’t good. I’m starting to lose it._

At this, he gathered his wits and finished surveying the mass of students seated in the café. It didn’t take long for Renjun to note the marked absence of a head of light pink hair among the crowd.

He let out a discouraged sigh at his rotten luck, but finally took a leisurely look at his surroundings once he had comfortably draped his canvas tote on the arm of his chair, assuring himself that no one would dare to steal his hard-earned spot with this measure. The café was cramped and busy, however it was nonetheless a welcome alternative to the biting cold that he had trudged against a few minutes ago, leaving his hands chapped and his nose a bright cherry-red.

A fresh pine Christmas tree decked in glittering gold tinsel and blinking fairy-lights was fixed in the corner by the lit fireplace, which burned cedar kindling; its embers perfumed the surroundings with the faint scent of resin and smoke. An acoustic cover of Wham’s “Last Christmas” was playing softly from the speakers above him, and Renjun was reminded of last year’s considerably less complicated Christmas spent with his best friend; they had clumsily sung along to holiday songs on the radio while drunk on spiced apple toddies which they’d quietly prepared in their dorm’s kitchen when the third floor’s RA had finally fallen asleep.

A fanciful musing struck before he could get a grip. _This would have been the perfect place to spend the morning together and cram for finals._

Suddenly, a glaring possibility flashed across Renjun’s mind, and he mentally chastised himself for being so wrapped up in his emotions as to miss it before.

_Duh, Jaemin left the dorm before me, but he didn’t have dinner last night and he must have been starving. Plus, he can’t function without his morning iced Americano, so he must have come here and chatted with Jeno before leaving._

As he hastily fished his student ID out of his bag and walked towards the menu board to order his coffee and breakfast, he spotted Jeno, who was absentmindedly replacing the baked-goods display with spiced pear galettes.

“Jeno!” he called out to the tall, aproned figure, cupping his hand around his mouth to amplify his voice over the clamour in the background.

The tall, black-haired boy looked up from the display in surprise at hearing his name called by a customer. He waved his hand to Renjun in greeting once he identified who it was. “Oh, I knew that sounded like your voice!” he spoke in his characteristic sing-song tone, a cheerful smile spreading to his eyes. “What can I get for you today, hyung?”

“Of course it’s me, who else would dare to address the intimidating Lee Jeno by name?” Renjun quipped, returning a playful smile. “I’ll just get my usual peppermint tea”— he glanced at the bakery display for a moment—“and an oat muffin.”

“Okay, one tea and one muffin for our Junnie.” He scribbled the order on a notepad before grabbing a paper cup to brew the tea. While he worked, he looked up again to study Renjun’s face more carefully, a concerned look washing over as he suddenly noticed his friend’s tired eyes.

“No offense, hyung, but you’re looking kinda rough today,” he spoke carefully after a pause, examining Renjun’s eyes. “Did something happen?”

Renjun shook his head weakly, trying his best to dismiss the concern by flashing a convincing grin.

He would never admit it to his face for fear of being teased for the rest of his life, but he secretly held the serious notion that everyone deserved to meet someone like Jeno at some point in their life; a friend who was like pure sunlight—always there for anyone in their time of need.

Jaemin and Renjun had met Lee Jeno after they had watched him play on their university’s varsity hockey team during their second year; the unrivalled ace of the team. As their acquaintance grew, they came to learn that he was a nutritional sciences major with a deep love for movie nights and popcorn. In no time at all, he fit right into the centre of their friend group, it was as if he had known them for years. Warm, reliable, and lovable Lee Jeno; the last thing Renjun wanted was to make someone so selfless worry about him over something like this.

“I’m alright, don’t worry,” he assured. “But actually, there _is_ something I wanted to talk to you about,” he continued while his friend packed a muffin into a small paper bag for him, “have you seen Jaemin this morning? I thought maybe he would stop by here for a coffee.”

“Hey!” a third, unidentified voice called out loudly from the kitchen, “I talked to him like forty minutes ago. He said he’d be going on a trip or something over the weekend?”

Both Jeno and Renjun turned to look at the source of the outburst. It was none other than Lee Donghyuck, who was comfortably strolling out of the kitchen, sipping on the iced mocha in his hand.

“Hyuck, are you nuts?” Jeno yelped, snatching the drink from his hand and placing it firmly on the counter, out of his reach. “You know we’re not supposed to eat during our shifts, do you want the manager to fire us both?”

“Whatever,” Donghyuck mumbled, rolling his eyes. “And I wasn’t _eating,_ I was _drinking.”_

He turned his attention to Renjun, his hands crossed across over his chest, lips curled in a smirk. Leaning in closer to Renjun’s ear, he hissed, “What did you do this time, Renjun? Did you two get into a fight or something? He looked like he’d been crying, he didn’t even order a coffee.”

Renjun took a deep breath and willed himself not to snap at him.

Lee Donghyuck, like most of the people whom Renjun encountered in his life, was taller than him despite being his junior. Seemingly wearing a permanent sneer at all times, he was irrevocably comfortable in his own skin, treating even the most somber situations as opportunities to make jokes at the expense of those around him. Despite his flippant attitude, he and Jaemin—on paper at least—seemed to be destined to be together; they were both social butterflies, athletic, and majoring in photography, which was how they had initially met.

When Donghyuck and Jaemin began casually dating at the end of their second year, Renjun made a promise to himself that he would remain courteous, regardless of Donghyuck’s open animosity towards him—if only for Jaemin’s sake.

That was why when Jaemin had returned to their room after his first date night with Donghyuck, giddy and tipsy, Renjun had plastered a grin on his face and acted as a supportive listener instead of shutting him out.

When Jaemin had come to him upset, complaining about the first argument he had fought with Donghyuck, Renjun had held his tongue and offered his best advice to help him salvage the relationship.

When the two eventually _did_ get back together after a particularly nasty breakup over the summer break, Renjun had congratulated the them and waited until they had left on their date before breaking down in tears in the empty dorm-room.

He told himself that he could grin and bear Donghyuck’s snarky insults if it meant he could witness Jaemin’s genuine laughter. Renjun had almost convinced himself that he didn’t mind the fact that he wasn’t the one who got to kiss Jaemin goodnight, the one to hold his hand while walking to class. Almost.

“No, we didn’t have a fight, thanks for asking though.” Renjun spat with as much civility as he could muster, smiling through clenched teeth. “So he didn’t tell you guys where he was going this morning? His only tutorial today is at noon, but he left without taking his camera.”

“Like I said,” Donghyuck drawled, “I wasn’t paying that much attention. All I know is that he messed up my plans with his stupid trip idea. I was going to ask him out on a date during the weekend, but now it looks like that’s a bust.”

Just before Renjun’s temper could flare, Jeno handed Renjun his order, nudging Donghyuck to help the next customer. Once the latter was safely out of earshot, Jeno turned to Renjun.

“Here, hyung, it’s on the house today,” he spoke in a soothing tone, calming Renjun’s provoked temper.

He lowered his voice in a barely-audible whisper, “Don’t mind Donghyuck, Junnie. He’s just angry about his weekend plans getting messed up. And don’t worry either, I’ll call you if Jaemin drops by the café again today.”

“Thanks, Jeno, don’t worry about me,” Renjun pleaded, his hand squeezing the boy’s shoulder reassuringly. “And I really appreciate it.”

Just as he was about to turn away to recover his bag from the table and leave the café, now with his breakfast, an idea tugged at him.

He let out a resigned sigh and bit into his bottom lip as he mentally cursed himself for what he was about to do. Walking up to the counter for the second time, he sheepishly waved over at Jeno, who was about to head into the back kitchen.

“Oh, sorry, were you about to go on break?”

“I’m—I just,” he stammered, looking down at his shoes and realizing he was about to show his cards with the next sentence—it was very obviously not Renjun’s typical order. “Could I also get an iced Americano?”

He couldn’t be certain whether his over-imaginative mind was simply playing tricks on him, filling in the spaces of reality as usual, but Renjun could have sworn that he saw Jeno’s lips quirk up in a knowing smile for a split-second before he nodded and typed in the order on the machine.

“No problem, it’ll be ready in a minute. One iced Americano to-go, for…Renjun.”

—

Renjun reached into his pocket and groped around for his phone.

 _No new calls._ _No new text messages._

It was 9:58 PM and Renjun’s staggered breathing turned to frost as he made his way back towards his dorm building after his only lecture of the day. As finals were beginning next week, only a handful of students wandered the winding campus pathways at this hour, either walking home from the last revision lectures like he was, or prepping for an all-nighter at the library.

There was still no sign of Jaemin anywhere, it was as if he had vanished into thin air after last night; his professor had assured Renjun that he hadn’t showed up to his photography tutorial at noon, and Jeno hadn’t called to report seeing him at the café again either. He had tossed Jaemin’s lukewarm coffee in the bin a few hours ago, a diluted, watery mess.

His eyes stung as he made an effort to blink back the tears that had threatened to well up the entire day. His entire body felt faint and fevered, he just wanted to curl up into a ball and hide.

As he turned the corner and the residence building came into view, he fished out his phone one last time. Fingers poised to call the campus police and report Jaemin officially missing, he glanced up to the third floor windows.

The light in their room was on.

His heart thumped wildly, crashing against his chest as he ran up the flights of stairs and stabbed his keys into the lock, bounding into the room. The sight he was greeted with nearly made him pass out with equal parts relief and outrage.

Pacing around the centre of the room was Na Jaemin, muttering to himself and holding his phone up to his face as if reading something with great intensity. On his bed was his wallet and an open suitcase, stuffed messily with sweatshirts and other clean laundry from the hamper. He didn’t seem to notice that Renjun was standing at the door.

“Na Jaemin, are you fucking insane?” Renjun erupted in a rage, slamming the door against its frame and advancing towards the centre of the room. White hot tears streamed down his face as all the emotions he had stored away since last night came to a head, spewing out of him like a scared child.

The intensity of his outburst made Jaemin jump, looking up at Renjun with a startled, waxy expression. There was an unreadable pain in his eyes—something which resembled grief. He opened his mouth as if to speak, but a warning look from Renjun cut him off.

“Do you know how scared I was, asshole? Do you even care that I’ve been worried sick looking for you all day?” Renjun roared, now standing right in front of the other boy, his voice faltering from the tears he was choking back. “How could you disappear like that without so much as a word after what happened last night? God, I thought something happened to you.”

At this, Renjun couldn’t hold back any longer, abandoning his restraint and letting himself give way to the awful sobs that made his chest heave his heart wring.

He took a step forward and enveloped Jaemin’s slender shoulders with his frail arms, leaning his face into the crook of the boy’s neck and cradling his quivering chest against his own. He breathed in the scent of Jaemin’s skin at his nape—the familiar lavender laundry detergent blended into the essence of his skin, making Renjun dizzy.

In the dimly-lit dorm-room, the pair held each other tightly, scarcely breathing, perhaps for a beat too long. The smaller one feared that his beating heart was giving him away, but he couldn’t bear to loosen his grip. He felt as if the boy would disappear again if he let go now.

“Renjun, I’m sorry,” Jaemin sputtered, his voice thick with feeling. “I can explain. I need to tell you—ask you something.”

Renjun cleared his throat softly and stepped back from the embrace, his cheeks pink with heat.

Jaemin flicked his gaze down, as if suddenly taking an interest in the floor pattern. “Last night, my mom called and told me that my grandmother was taken to the hospital after collapsing at home,” he spoke quietly, as if scared to say his thoughts aloud, “they didn’t think she would make it through the night—she said it was a brain haemorrhage.”

“Jaemin, I…”

“Last night I—I thought I would never see her again,” he continued, eyes now fixed intently on Renjun’s, “but I got another call this morning from my mom. She told me that because they found her in time, she’s in stable condition, at least for a while.”

Jaemin reached out his hand and absentmindedly brushed a piece of stray hair behind Renjun’s ear. “The thing is, my mom thinks I should go home soon anyway—she says it might be the last Christmas I ever have with her, you know? She’s so old and frail, Renjun—this haemorrhage was just the latest incident, apparently. My parents didn’t want me to worry before.”

Renjun took one of Jaemin’s hands in his own, his fingers circling around the thin wrist, his thumb brushing the back of his hand.

“Oh, Jaemin…you really should have told me,” Renjun breathed. He felt all the anger dissolve, all the annoyance at last night’s antics trickle away. He hated himself for not realizing the depth of Jaemin’s hurt.

“I messed up, I know. I was in a daze and I couldn’t think straight.” His eyes suddenly landed on the suitcase he had opened on his bed.

“I almost forgot, I need to ask you something important,” Jaemin blurted out, as if suddenly regaining a sense of urgency. “Would you—come home with me? Over the weekend?”

“Home,” Renjun repeated blankly. “…to Jeonju?”

He remembered Donghyuck mentioning something about a trip that had ruined his weekend date plans. He frowned. _If only he knew how badly Jaemin was hurting._

“Why not ask your boyfriend to go with you? Why me?”

“Huh?” Jaemin blinked. “Oh. Uh, I…didn’t tell him why I was leaving. He seemed busy studying for finals anyway, he wouldn’t want to go all the way to Jeonju. ”

Renjun thought he detected a strange look in Jaemin’s eyes as he spoke this, but he didn’t press.

“Oh, I see.”

“Yeah. Besides, you should be there to say goodbye to her too.” He trained his eyes on Renjun’s face. “My family misses you a lot.”

“Oh?”

Jaemin spun around to the mess of clothes behind him and searched the pockets of his parka, producing two bus tickets after a moment.

“It’s about a three-hour bus ride from Seoul to Jeonju,” Jaemin stated matter-of-factly, holding a finger in front of Renjun’s mouth to stop him from protesting, “and I _know_ we have finals next week, but we can help each other cram when we get to the motel in Jeonju. It’ll really be fine, I promise.”

“Please, Renjun,” he pleaded, grasping the tickets tightly.

Renjun said nothing for a moment, simply searching Jaemin’s pale face. His eyes were dim and lifeless, the dark circles under them making him appear as worn and weak as he had ever seen him. Although the boy had his lips forced into a smile that would undoubtedly fool others into believing that he was as composed as usual, he couldn’t dream of fooling him. This was Renjun, after all—he’d spent over a decade memorizing every twitch of his mouth, every flutter of his eyes, and every trick up his sleeve.

He didn’t like seeing him like this—he never wanted him to feel the way he did right now.

“Okay,” he answered at last. “When do we leave?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please have mercy on me, i'm posting this at 5 in the morning ;__;  
> on a separate note, wishing everyone a safe and joyful Christmas Eve !! ❄️💗


	4. (Part 4: Close)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Renjun, calm down, you’re overthinking things.” Jeno spoke in a low whisper as turned to face him, almost as if sharing a secret. “You know why he asked you to go? Because you’re always his first choice for everything, you always have been.”
> 
> “Is that right?” Renjun laughed bitterly, looking not at Jeno, but somewhere just beyond him, “then why is this the way things turned out?” He felt the words escape from his lips before he could stop himself. Damn it.

It was six o’clock in the morning on the cloudy Saturday when Renjun stirred, groggy and in desperate need of coffee.

Half-awake and shivering, he slid open the window and glanced below to see a few students huddling together under a pink umbrella as they ran towards the residence building for shelter from the rain. The air was crisp and cool, it smelled of grass in dew. He pulled on an oversized grey sweatshirt that was draped over his desk chair—Jaemin’s, an old photography club shirt from high school— and trudged over to the other side of the room, shaking the boy who was still nestled under the covers.

“Jaem, wake up,” he whispered, “we need to pack.”

“Mhm,” Jaemin whimpered, eyes half-lidded, “…five more minutes.”

Renjun sighed, fondly ruffling the mess of pink hair that was peeking out from under the comforter. He gave up and reached under the bed, pulling out Jaemin’s old suitcase.

“Never mind, I’ll pack for us both. Sleep in for a bit and then we’ll grab a quick breakfast at the café.”

“…thanks,” came a muffled response from the sleeping lump on the bed.

Barring the trip and the packing, this was usually how their morning routine proceeded—Renjun waking up before the crack of dawn and catching a rare glimpse of campus while students were still asleep, enjoying a moment of serenity before shaking Jaemin awake and bribing him to get dressed with the promise of coffee.

He liked this simple, comfortable routine; the familiar movements of Jaemin’s chest rising and falling as he breathed, the faint sound of tree branches rattling against the window, and the rhythmic ticking of the wristwatch on his desk. Renjun drank his fill of these mornings, as it felt like they were tucked away in some corner of the world that was just for them. In these dreamlike moments, he could safely stare at Jaemin without risk; he gazed at the long, dark eyelashes that fluttered as he dreamed, the graceful slope of his nose, and his cherry lips, parted and slightly chapped.

Sometimes, on the coldest days of the year, when the snow fell upon the ground thick like icing and his body trembled for the warmth of a familiar touch, he imagined what it would be like to climb under his covers and melt into his arms, almost like that strange night. To press his cold lips against those flitting eyelids, to cup his hands around that graceful, jade-like face, and to kiss those parted, chapped lips, drinking him in as the world outside was still fast asleep.

He never dared, though.

Some days, there would be a loud knock at the door around this time, unsettling the pleasant stillness—an indication that a certain boyfriend had arrived, ready to whisk Jaemin away to whatever photography club meeting they needed to attend. On other days, the knock would be followed by a chorus of whoops and clamour, indicating that Donghyuck was accompanied by the rest of the friend group; Renjun much preferred the latter days.

As the the trip would be a short one and they were scheduled to arrive in Jeonju with plenty of morning to spare, Renjun eventually roused Jaemin to pick up two coffees for the road.

Jeno had a shift that morning and greeted them warmly, and although he didn’t bring up the incidents of the previous day, he seemed visibly relieved to witness the familiar sight of the two together in the mornings—the strangeness of Jaemin’s absence yesterday almost a vague memory.

“Guys, I checked the weather forecast over the weekend for Jeonju and apparently it’s going to be freezing,” Jeno fussed, placing a paper cup under the espresso machine. “Jaemin, you’re the more reliable one, make sure Renjun bundles up when you get there. You know his habit of walking out in the freezing cold with nothing but a t-shirt.”

“Ha, ha, that’s hilarious. You know, I nearly had to _drag_ him out of bed today,” Renjun deadpanned, poking Jeno with his finger. “The only person who rivals him in laziness _might_ be Donghyuck, and that’s a hard _might.”_ He suddenly squinted, scanning the kitchen behind Jeno.

“Speaking of whom, doesn’t he usually have a shift on Saturday mornings?”

Out of the corner of his eye, Renjun thought he saw Jaemin grimace, but he shook off the thought. _You’re seeing things, Huang Renjun. Get a grip._

“Yeah, funny that you mention it,” Jeno huffed. “The bastard didn’t even call in sick or tell me in advance that he was gonna be a no-show. He’s going to get us both fired one of these days.”

“He just didn’t show? Is he sick or something?”

“I dunno, he’s probably studying for finals or something, it isn’t that weird for him to skip a shift without telling me first—”

“Mn, yeah, that’s probably it,” Jaemin interjected absentmindedly, looking at something on his phone with a furrowed brow. He placed a hand on Renjun’s shoulder, shaking him weakly. “Junnie, the bus is going to get here soon, we need to grab our suitcases from the room and get going now if we don’t want to miss it.”

“You go on and grab the suitcases, I’ll grab the coffees and meet you at the stop.”

“Okay, hurry though, otherwise I’m taking your precious window seat!” Jaemin grinned, sticking his tongue out at him before rushing out the door.

Once the boy had left the café, Renjun turned to Jeno, his smile wavering.

“Hey…do you know something I don’t?”

“Huh?”

“About them—are they fighting or something?” Renjun asked, trying to look nonchalant by eyeing the holiday drinks display as if suddenly deeply interested in the nutritional facts of a gingerbread latte.

“Who, Jaemin and Donghyuck? Why do you say that?” Jeno questioned evenly, placing a second cup under the machine’s spout.

“Last night, I asked Jaemin why he didn’t ask, you know, his _boyfriend_ to go with him to Jeonju instead of me, and he gave me some nonsense about not wanting to bother Donghyuck during finals.”

“Hey, you never know, maybe he really didn’t want to bother him—they have the same finals schedules after all.”

“No, it’s bullshit,” Renjun huffed impatiently, “Donghyuck never crams anyway, he’s probably all done revising already.”

“Ah. Well, you know Donghyuck, he’s flighty,” he paused, hesitating a beat. “Actually, now that you mention it, he’s been dipping near the end of his shifts recently and when I ask him about it he doesn’t give me a straight answer.”

“Yeah, and listen to this—did you hear the way Jaemin cut you off when just now when we were talking? I think there’s something that’s going on between them.”

“Renjun, calm down, you’re overthinking things.” Jeno spoke in a low whisper as turned to face him, almost as if sharing a secret. “You know why he asked you to go? Because you’re always his first choice for everything, you always have been.”

“Is that right?” Renjun laughed bitterly, looking not at Jeno, but somewhere just beyond him, “then why is this the way things turned out?” He felt the words escape from his lips before he could stop himself. _Damn it._

“Renjun, that’s—”

“Ha, ha, forget it, I’m just sleep-deprived and talking nonsense,” Renjun interrupted hastily with a dry laugh, his cheeks rushing with heat. “I should get going before I miss the bus.”

Jeno didn’t say anything as he handed over the cups of coffee, not breaking eye contact with him. “There. Make sure you call me once you get to Jenoju, okay, Jun?” he said with a genuine smile crinkling the corners of his eyes. “And for the record…I think a lot of things would be resolved if you had an honest conversation with Jaemin without distancing yourself for once.”

“Distancing myself?” Renjun mused, a strange smile spreading on his lips. _Is it that obvious?_

“Sometimes it’s like you’re the only one who can’t tell how much you mean to him. I think even Donghyuck caught on eventually, which might be why he snaps at you so often.”

“Huh?”

“You don’t see yourself the way he sees you, Jun.”

“Wait, I think you misunderstood—”

“No, listen to me. You’re always thinking so little of yourself, but he looks at you like you’re the only person in the room when he thinks nobody’s paying attention. It’s a bit nausea-inducing, actually.”

Renjun blinked at him, stunned. He gave him a soft smile in return. _If only if it were that simple._

“Mn,” he chuckled faintly, “I just want him to be happy, that’s all.”

He picked up the cups, one in each hand, and raised an arm to Jeno in a goodbye before he turned and exited the café. Jeno watched him as he walked out, turning to the kitchen with a deep sigh.

—

Renjun found Jaemin waiting by the bus stop where he said he’d be, holding their two suitcases in his arms and kicking at some leftover salt on the sidewalk.

When the bus finally arrived, the pair settled on two cosy seats at the very back of the bus, placing their luggage under their feet as they sipped at their coffees in silence, taking in the sight of the remaining passengers fumbling with their tickets as they boarded. Renjun took the window seat as he always did; he liked watching the world speed past, observing a glimpse of people going about their daily lives, if only for a second.

“You should really try to get some sleep on the ride over,” Jaemin sighed, bumping his shoulder against Renjun’s arm, “no offence, but you look a bit dead.”

Renjun took another sip of his coffee before leaning to the side and nudging his shoe against the other’s leg in retaliation. “Gee, you know, I’ve been getting that a lot recently,” he exclaimed, crossing his arms across his chest in mock surprise. “I wonder _who_ could be the cause of my lack of sleep recently. Tsk, right before finals, too. _”_ He threw a sideways glance at the other boy.

Jaemin shrunk back from him at this, visibly abashed. He tilted his head back against the seat and shut his eyes. “I’m sorry,” he sighed, “I’m a real pain in the ass to you sometimes, I know it.”

“Acknowledging the problem is the first step,” Renjun teased, lifting a hand to graze his cheek. “You know I’d go back with you even if it meant bombing an exam, it isn’t that big of a deal. This is family, after all. It’s more important.”

Jaemin opened an eye and considered him for a moment, flashing a lopsided smile. “Aw, Junnie, you must really love me.”

“Shut up, or I swear I’ll get off at the next stop.”

“Alright, alright, I’ll be quiet,” he grinned, making a zipping gesture over his lips.

Jaemin perched his half-empty coffee cup on the edge of the seat and fished around the pocket of his jeans for his phone, squinting at the bright screen for a few moments before settling on a playlist to listen to during the three-hour ride to their hometown.

He placed an earbud in his right ear before reaching over and gingerly placing the left one in Renjun’s ear, smiling at the boy’s gasp at the sudden rush of music.

“Hey, remember when I used to climb to your bedroom window in high school and we’d watch the stars together on your roof at night? God, I was so scared of your mom finding us and calling my parents, but I don’t think she ever did.”

“Of course I do,” Renjun smiled to himself, reminiscing.

“Well, that’s an easy one. But do you remember when I forced you to help me steal our homeroom teacher’s reading glasses during lunch and a senior caught us as we were sneaking out—I think his name was Mark or something? You were about to pass out from fear so I had to carry you on my back and make a break for it.”

“Mhm, clear as day. Why did we steal the teacher’s glasses again?”

“Dunno, actually,” Jaemin laughed. “I kept them though, still have them somewhere.”

“I always let you talk me into the strangest things. We really did everything together, didn’t we?”

“Yeah. Yeah, we did,” Jaemin sighed, a smile in his voice. “Everything was so simple back then.”

Renjun shut his eyes and propped his head against the window. He listened deeply to the lyrics of the song on Jaemin’s playlist as the bus drove through an uneven street, rattling the windows and pushing the standing passengers against each other. _Why does this song sound so familiar?_

The truth was, Renjun was excited to be going home, even under the less-than-ideal circumstances and the upcoming finals at waiting for him back on campus. His own parents wouldn’t be there to welcome him back as they were currently in Jilin to spend some time with their extended family, but Renjun loved Jaemin’s parents like they were his own and didn’t mind being smothered by their hugs and kisses once the two arrived at their old neighbourhood.

A sudden weight on his shoulder startled him, and he turned to see Jaemin’s head resting on him, his cheek squashed against Renjun’s coat, his mouth slightly open. His eyes were closed, and he could tell by his steady breaths and faint snoring that the boy was finally getting a good rest. _At least one of us is getting some sleep._

His face was so close, _so dangerously close—_ it would only take a slight tilt of his head, nearly undetectable, for Renjun to close the gap between their mouths. Before his brain could stop him, he leaned closer, feeling Jaemin’s hot coffee breath on his face. Jaemin’s eyelids fluttered for a moment at the movement, snapping Renjun back to his sense. _No. You’re not doing this._

He started to unzip his suitcase and pull out a neck pillow for him instead, but he paused for a moment, gazing at the gentle sleeping face, and decided against it. He would endure these agonizing few days and be a source of support and comfort for Jaemin this weekend. He _definitely_ wouldn’t let himself lose control now, he had been at this game of pretend for years; after all, what real damage could one weekend alone with him do?

Three hours later, the bright morning light still trickling down through the thick clouds above, the bus arrived at Jeonju.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a short update just before they arrive in Jeonju...sorry in advance for the pain in the next chapter :(


	5. (Part 5: Home)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Jaem,” Renjun uttered, voice trembling. He closed his eyes contently, listening to the other’s staggered breathing as their hearts beat wildly.  
> “I love you—so, so much."  
> He hardly noticed as the words shot out of his mouth like bullets from a gun.

“Look! Oh my God, look!” Renjun laughed, pointing out a fat orange tabby lying behind an old bookstore window, lazily basking in the sunlight. “I can’t believe that damn cat’s still alive, I swear he’s been living at Mr. Moon’s store forever. The place really hasn’t changed a bit.”

Renjun could feel his nerves settle the moment they got off the bus and caught a glimpse of the old buildings that seemed to be frozen in time; he knew these spots like the back of his hand.

The tan bricks of the cathedrals were aged and grimy with weather damage, the pavement on the paths were worn with cigarette butts and disposed chewing gum, yet this mundane patchwork of details was soothing to him, he felt like he could step back into the past just by physically being here and breathing in the cool air. It was a silly, sappy thought, but he could swear that even the indistinct sound of overplayed holiday jingles carried out from store radios sounded somehow warmer in Jeonju.

“Ha! He’s been feeding him well,” Jaemin smiled, nodding lightly as he fished around in his pocket to check his phone for the time. Not even 10 AM yet.

“You know, we still have a bit of time before we’re due at home, wanna pop in and say ‘hello’ while we’re here? I’ve been meaning to get my grandma a poetry book or something as a Christmas gift.”

“Sure. What are you thinking, something like Frost? “The Road Not Taken” and all that?”

“Got her Frost last year, I’m thinking maybe Whitman? How about grabbing a coffee afterwards, too? I wonder if Doyoung hyung still works there part-time, he used to sneak me free coffee.”

“Na Jaemin, you have a serious addiction, you just had an eight-shot espresso on the ride over!” Renjun scolded, smacking him lightly with the back of his hand, “I swear your heart’s going to give out one of these days.”

“Mm, that seems like solid advice, it’s just too bad… I can’t hear you!” Jaemin cried, flashing a boyish grin before skipping ahead of Renjun towards the bookstore door.

It didn’t take long for the two to fall back into the familiar rhythm of their past once they started walking down their hometown streets, ducking into old bookstores, bakeries, and even an old thrift store they used to hang out in as kids, waving ‘hello’ to old faces they remembered and new families that had moved in. They were like kids again, wandering around arm-in-arm in a place they had left their mark on long ago.

By the time they reached the apartment building a bit past noon, they could barely carry all the bags of food and gifts they had picked up from around the neighbourhood. Jaemin’s mother buzzed them into the building, and they greeted the front desk concierge before riding the elevator to the 18th floor.

“Oh my goodness, is that our little Junnie?” Ms. Na cooed, flinging the door open and immediately pulling Renjun in for a tight bear hug, nearly knocking the wind out of him. The luggage and gifts in his hands fell to the floor, but he didn’t mind.

“Oh my, oh my! What a handsome young man, you’ve grown so much since I’ve last seen you!” She pinched his cheeks fondly and doted on him, seemingly unaware of the boy standing right beside him.

“Mhmph,” Renjun managed, his face turning red with embarrassment. He threw Jaemin a pleading look.

_Help, your mom’s about to smother me to death._

“Mom, I’m here too, you know! Your son?” Jaemin piped up, clearing his throat. He crossed his arms across his chest with a huff and pretended to sulk, but he was clearly enjoying the sight unfolding in front of him. He watched his mother tackle Renjun in an embrace and fawn over him like he was the same little Huang Renjun that came over nearly every day to play after school.

“Of course I know you’re here, baby! C’mere!” She reached out an arm and tugged at Jaemin, pulling him into what was now a group hug at the foyer. “My little Jaemin is finally home.”

“I really missed you, mom,” Jaemin mumbled, resting his face on her shoulder.

“I missed you too,” Ms. Na smiled, stepping back to get a good look at him. She patted down the tuft of hair that was sticking up on his head.

“Come in, boys. The rest of the family’s in the living room. They’re all excited to see you both, especially grandma.”

Hours flew by like minutes in the company of Jaemin’s family, and the sky was beginning to dim as the two began saying their goodbyes and collecting their personal belongings. Jaemin made sure to hug his grandmother extra tight, savouring the precious moments spent with her and the rest of the family.

Renjun didn’t question him about it, but he could tell that an invisible weight had been lifted from the boy’s shoulders as he saw his grandmother as happy and as healthy as she could be, surrounded by the warm faces of those who loved her.

As the apartment was cramped even without the addition of a few extended family members who were staying over the holidays, the two settled on spending the night in the first cheap motel that came up in a quick google search—going against the repeated objections made by the latter’s concerned mother. They’d only be spending one night in Jeonju before they took a late bus back to Seoul the following day, so neither of them were too concerned about the quality of their temporary lodgings.

—

With nightfall, the sky had been cast entirely in a deep, velvety black, the scattered stars just barely visible through the dark clouds. It was humid and muggy, thick droplets of rain pouring down hard against the motel’s main office, where Renjun and Jaemin were loudly squabbling over their room options for the night.

“We could get a smaller room with one double bed for so much cheaper, I’ll just crash on the sofa, I really don’t mind!” Renjun whined impatiently, pinching his nose bridge. He really wasn’t too fussed about where he slept, and neither of them were exactly swimming in cash as two jobless, broke students. He knew this, but he also knew that a certain someone wasn’t going to let him get his way this easily.

“Are you out of your mind, Jun? I’m not letting you sleep on a filthy motel sofa, who knows who or _what’s_ been on it!”

“Yeah, like the beds are any less dodgy?”

“At least they change the sheets on those!” Jaemin grumbled, tapping his foot impatiently.

The receptionist behind the counter—a tired-looking woman of about thirty—cleared her throat, interrupting their bickering. “Really sorry to interrupt, but if it’s any help, the smaller room size comes with one double bed. If money is a bit tight, you two could always…” She trailed off, the implication strong enough to get her point across.

The two were stunned into silence, slowly absorbing the information. Renjun’s mind could only focus on one detail. _So that would mean we’d have to… share a bed._

His heart was beating out of control, but he was too afraid to look Jaemin in the face to check for his reaction. Without intending to, the faint memory of Jaemin crawling into bed with him on that cold night in their room made him shiver; he couldn’t let himself get that close again.

_Why isn’t he saying anything? Does the idea really freak him out that badly?_

_Well, he’s being uncharacteristically quiet…that probably means he’s grossed out by this. I should just hurry up and ask for a bigger room before this awkward silence gets any worse._

He opened his mouth to dismiss the receptionist’s suggestion and reluctantly splurge on a room with two beds, maybe even try to add in a laugh to break the tension, when a different, startling possibility dawned on his uneasy mind.

_Wait a minute…if I look too eager to ask for a larger room, he may wonder why this is making me so nervous. Yeah, it’ll look suspicious no matter what I answer. God, what am I supposed to do in this situation?_

He could feel his face flushing with heat, when a cold, flat voice broke the uncomfortable silence.

“Yes, that’ll be fine.”

“Great, I’ll get you a key in a moment, just sign here, please.” The receptionist turned to find the key to a free room, giving a bewildered Renjun the chance to look up and study Jaemin’s expression.

Although he looked calm enough to Renjun, the look on his face was strange and unreadable, his eyes cast down, staring fixedly at the floor; he seemed to be able to look everywhere except directly at him.

_He probably remembers that night._

He groped around his parka pocket for his phone, resolving to text Jeno—both to take his mind off things _and_ to help him look more at ease.

**Renjun [10:46 PM]:**  
Hey, are u up??

 **Jeno [10:46 PM]:**  
Ya, It’s not even 11 yet…of course i’m awake, what do u take me for?? I’m studying for a nasty chem final~~

You guys ok? Did something happen??

 **Renjun [10:46 PM]:** **  
**Good luck studying !! Fighting !!  
Nothing’s up, just wanted to check in… miss u :’(

**Jeno [10:47 PM]:**

Miss u too. Make sure to get some sleep tonight so you can cram tomorrow once you get back!!!

**Renjun [10:47 PM]:**

Ok !! We’ll probably be back by tomorrow afternoon, u should come by the dorm, we could study together?? Btw, any update on Haechan?

 **Jeno [10:48 PM]:**  
He showed up for his shift today but he’s still acting really weird…i think u might have been right abt a fight between him and jaem?? it’s probably not a big deal, I’ll ask him abt it tomorrow morning since we’re going over to Chenle and Jisung’s to watch a movie.

I’ll say goodnight for now then~

 **Renjun [10:48 PM]:** **  
**Alright, see you soon. zzz..(ˇ㉨ˇ๑) good night !! ☆

“Hey. Here’s the key, let’s go.”

Renjun looked up from his screen just in time to see something flying at him. He caught the key in his hands at the last minute and picked up his suitcase, following Jaemin towards their room.

—

The blinking lights of the purple neon motel sign flickered weakly outside the window, casting strange shadows on the room’s grungy beige wallpaper. The room was devoid of any decorative elements, housing only the bare necessities; a shabby looking double bed in the centre of the room, a single wooden dresser in the corner, and an old, dusty flat-screen television on the wall directly facing the bed.

The two turned to look at each other, faces blank. Only a second passed before they burst into laughter in unison, cracking up at the pitiful sight before them.

“Wow…it really is a dump.” Jaemin snorted, wiping away tears.

The other boy let his bag drop to the floor, nearly doubling over. “It’s worse than our dorm-room! Maybe we should have crashed on your mom’s living room floor like she suggested?”

“I can’t believe we paid actually money for this…I’m definitely stealing a few towels to break even.”

“Na Jaemin, don’t you dare!”

And so, the unpleasant tension at the front desk was forgotten as the two settled into the room to the best of their abilities. After tossing their winter coats on the floor, Renjun dragged their luggage to the foot of the bed, digging around his suitcase for an Ancient Greek history textbook he brought to review for an upcoming final. _Might as well try to be productive._

He climbed onto the mattress, trying to get comfortable enough to skim through the book without accidentally falling asleep. After trying a few positions, he settled on lying on his stomach, hands propping up his face.

“What are you doing?” Jaemin called out from the foot of the bed, busily flipping through tv channels as he looked for something to play in the background.

Renjun knew that one of Jaemin’s many personal quirks was that he couldn’t sleep in absolute quiet, so throughout the course of their friendship he had picked up the ability to sleep through the evening news, sports games, and even dramas in order to survive sleepovers.

It didn’t faze him. Not many of Jaemin’s quirks bugged him anymore, as he had gradually become accustomed to almost everything the other did over the years. In fact, the only reason why he eventually came to realize that some of his best friend’s habits or mannerisms were out of the ordinary at all was due to either Jeno or Haechan bluntly pointing them out.

 _“_ _Dude, that’s sick. How can you stomach that shit?”_ Jeno had once exclaimed with undisguised revulsion upon discovering that had a Jaemin penchant for ordering coffee with eight shots of espresso. He’d initially refused to accept the order, but eventually gave in once Renjun corroborated that Jaemin had, in fact, been consuming ‘that shit’ for years.

“Uh, I figured I’d try to get some studying done for finals. Why?”

“Pfft, we both know you’ll be at the top the top of the class regardless of whether or not you cram.” He unzipped his own suitcase, apparently searching for something stuck at the very bottom of the bag, hidden beneath the layers of clothing. “Besides, now’s not the time for studying.”

“Really?” Renjun shut his book, intrigued. He sat up, looking over the edge of the footboard to get a better look. “Please enlighten me, then. What time is it?”

“Aha, here they are!” Jaemin cried, fishing out what looked like two green glass bottles. He raised the bottles over his head, wagging them where Renjun could see. “It’s time…to drink!”

Renjun blinked. “Soju? I was with you all day, I didn’t see you buy any alcohol. Where on earth did you get those?”

Jaemin beamed, exceedingly pleased with himself. “I didn’t buy them, I _found_ them in my mom’s kitchen.”

“You stole alcohol from your mom’s house?” Renjun gasped, trying his best to stifle a grin.“Tsk, and during the holidays, too...”

“Hey, stop clutching your pearls!” Jaemin protested, mouth curling in a cat-like smirk, “She did say to eat and drink as much as we wanted, I’m just taking her advice very seriously! You in or not?”

“...I’m in.”

By midnight, the two were sprawled out on the bed side by side, giggling like fools at nothing in particular.

Their faces flushed pink with alcohol, they had started out by tipsily recounting embarrassing memories of each other in high school, but they had started veering off course as the night went on.

“Wait, remember when that really popular girl asked you out in the middle of the courtyard in our last year of high school? You flat-out rejected her in front of everyone…I think she may have cried.”

“I don’t remember that at all.”

“Yeah, well, you did.” Renjun sighed.

“How do you remember something like that?”

He ignored him. “It wasn’t just that one time, either. Everyone was like, in love with you all throughout high school, but you were always so cold.”

Jaemin hung on to his every word. He was silent for a moment. “Not everyone,” he hesitated, voice barely above a whisper.

Renjun sat up, turning to look him in the eyes. He gave him an incredulous look. “Huh?”

Suddenly, without warning, Jaemin clasped both of Renjun’s thin wrists tightly in his hands, pinning him flat on his back against the sheets.

“Jaemin?” Renjun stared back at the other boy, startled.

Jaemin tilted his face down, leaning in even closer. Renjun almost forgot to take a breath.

His lips were less than a centimetre away from his, and Renjun thought he noticed an unreadable emotion glittering in his eyes as he held his gaze. He could smell the faint soju on his lips.

“Kiss me,” Jaemin spoke in a low, trembling voice.

_“What?”_

“Just kiss me.”

For the first time in his life, Renjun didn’t want to listen to the part of him that told him to rein in his feelings, to hold himself back in Jaemin’s presence. He was tired of lying to himself, of always hiding a part of himself when all he really wanted to do was kiss the boy he was in love with. A part of him knew that the soju was making him more daring than usual, but in this moment, with Jaemin’s open face so close to his, he didn’t really care.

Still pinned down under the full weight of the other boy, Renjun carefully raised his face and closed the distance between them, brushing his lips ever so slightly lightly against Jaemin’s parted lips, pulling him down in a kiss. The other boy let out a soft sigh in response, and Renjun’s head went dizzy with longing. Jaemin’s mouth was warm—his lips, as expected, tasted like coffee.

At first it was delicate—the two mouths hesitant and nervous, but then Jaemin traced the outline of Renjun’s lips with his tongue, urging him on, and Renjun opened up, letting him in deeper.

Jaemin loosened his hold on the boy’s wrists, pulling him against his chest, circling his arms around Renjun’s neck. Renjun wasn’t sure if it was just the alcohol, but the tips of Jaemin’s ears were bright red.

Renjun gasped for a breath, his lips red and raw from an unexpected bite. He pressed a light kiss to the corner of Jaemin’s mouth, his jaw, his neck—his lips more forceful each time.

“Renjun…” Jaemin breathed in a low, gravelly voice against Renjun’s ear.

“Jaem,” Renjun uttered, voice trembling. He closed his eyes contently, listening to the other’s staggered breathing as their hearts beat wildly. “I love you—so, so much.” He hardly noticed as the words shot out of his mouth like bullets from a gun.

He felt Jaemin’s body suddenly stiffen on top of his, as if suddenly waking up from a dream. His own stomach dropped as he became conscious of what he had just said.

He panicked, immediately pushing Jaemin off his chest with a hard shove, nearly rolling him off the bed. He sat up straight, his faded silver hair messy and disheveled. He buried his face in his hands.

“…Renjun?” A startled voice questioned from behind him, placing a soft hand on the nape of Renjun’s pale neck. “Why did you—”

Renjun shook his hand off, heat rushing to his face at the unexpected touch. _Did I just…? Oh God, what did I just say?_

_This was just... a joke to him, right? I went and crossed the line like an idiot._

Renjun swallowed dryly, not daring to look in the other boy’s direction. "Why?" 

"Why what?"

"Why did you ask me to kiss you, Jaemin?"

The room was quiet for a moment, then two, then three. Then Renjun stopped counting. 

"..."

The silence shattered the remaining shred of hope in Renjun's heart. 

_That settles it...he must have meant it as a joke. Obviously._

He had known Jaemin forever, all his strangest habits, all his quirks and mannerisms; he had always known that he was openly affectionate with practically everyone he was close with, meaning nothing by it. Then why did Renjun think this was any different?

“This might be something something you do and then never think about again like in high school, but it’s not a joke to me,” Renjun stammered, eyes stinging with tears. “Things like this _mean_ something to me.”

He heard shuffling behind him as Jaemin stood up from the bed, his eyes burning holes in Renjun’s back. He didn’t dare turn back to face him.

“Wait, hold on,” Jaemin snapped, voice thick, “what the hell is that supposed to mean...I just go around doing this with anyone? Is that what you’re getting at, Renjun?” His voice was sharp as it rang around the room, carrying none of the characteristic tenderness it usually held when speaking to him. Renjun’s name sounded odd and foreign in his mouth for the first time; like a slap in the face.

Renjun felt helpless. The jagged words spurned on from years of pain were coming to a head, coming out of his mouth distorted and far from what he really meant, but it was too late to stop now. He couldn’t take them back if he wanted to, and in this moment, he wasn’t sure he did.

_This all wrong, this wasn’t how things were supposed to go._

“That’s not what I—you have a _boyfriend_ , Jaemin,” Renjun choked out through clenched teeth, holding back tears. “And you do this to me…how am I supposed to react?”

He knew his words were cruel, cutting into him as he spit them out. “I have feelings, I’m not just someone to mess around with and then toss aside once you get back to the one you actually care about, _the one you actually chose._ ”

He was met with silence. Reluctantly, he turned to look at the other boy and felt a shock as he noticed that Jaemin was studying him closely, holding his gaze with a strange look in his eyes. His cheeks were blotchy and red, as if he had been crying.

“It may come as a surprise to you since you obviously think so poorly of me,” he spoke slowly, not breaking eye contact, “but I have feelings too.”

Renjun forced his eyes closed and struggled to compose himself. He hated that his voice quavered, betraying him, but he wouldn’t back down. “You know what? I’m going out for some air.”

“Fine.”

Renjun snatched his coat from the floor and grabbed the room key, storming out into the cold night air.

As the door swung shut, Jaemin flinched, finally letting the hot, angry tears that he had been holding in fall.

Renjun returned to the dark room a few hours later and found the other boy lying on his winter coat on the floor. He spread out his own coat on the opposite side of the room and forced his eyes shut, the sound of rain droplets against the window drowning out his thoughts.

—

The bus ride back to campus the following day was deafeningly silent; not a word spoken between the two, not a glance shared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 💔 sorry about this ;__; i promise things will get better for them soon (you have my word!!)


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